12 pm Read funny email from Lisa describing her disgusting ill-behaved dog. Chuckle and consider reply boasting about pleasant well-behaved schnauzer, but decide not to rub it in. Besides, small human requires immediate attention.
12:05 pm Pet and cuddle pleasant well-behaved schnauzer. Tell schnauzer what a good boy he is.
12:10 pm Notice large booger in small human's nose and deal with it.
12:15 pm WAAAAAAH!!! Small human wails as I load car and make preparations to leave the house with him and well-behaved schnauzer.
12:30 pm Pick up small human and begin to load him in car. He spits up foul-smelling curdled milk on himself and me.
12:40 pm Change small human's clothes. Consider changing my shirt. Decide against it as it will undoubtedly become soiled again by end of day and settle for wiping it off.
12:55 pm Embark on car ride with small human and schnauzer to inspect a property.
1:05 pm Small human sleeping peacefully in car seat. Pleasant and well-behaved schnauzer curled up sleeping peacefully in passenger seat. Sigh contentedly at how well this venture out is going.
1:35 pm Arrive at property and take pictures as small human and schnauzer wait in car. Schnauzer barks at men working. Small human awakens and cries.
1:45 pm Set off for stop #2.
2:00 pm Notice pleasant well-behaved schnauzer is trembling and wonder if I should stop to let him go outside. Remember that he went out just before we left and decide he is fine, just excited by our adventure.
2:05 pm Disgusting schnauzer barfs all over passenger seat.
2:06 pm While driving on highway, I reach for small human's blanket in the backseat (having decided that I need it more than he does at this point) and use it to cover schnauzer barf in an attempt to keep it from spreading. Abort mission #2 in favor of going home immediately. Decide there is nothing more I can do until I get home. Based on high volume of schnauzer vomit, I determine that schnauzer is surely done with that.
2:20 pm Almost home, just a little bit further.
2:21 pm Schnauzer barfs again, this time more liquidy, on passenger side floorboard.
2:25 pm Arrive home. Place disgusting schnauzer with vomit-crusted beard in yard.
2:30 pm Begin cleaning out disgusting vomit-filled car.
2:31 pm Small human wails. Attempt to explain importance of cleaning up schnauzer vomit immediately. Small human wails more loudly. Disgusting schnauzer with vomit-crusted beard in yard emits high-pitched yelps as he realizes he is missing out on some kind of excitement. Hope that new neighbors do not call CPS/SPCA.
2:45 pm Having removed all major chunks amidst a chorus of small human wails and high-pitched schnauzer yelps, give up on vomity car. Decide the rest is a job for a professional.
3:00 pm Small wailing human is hungry. Disgusting schnauzer with vomit-crusted beard in yard wants to come inside, but is not allowed until he has had a beard bath. Decide to feed small human while enduring sound of high-pitched schnauzer yelps.
3:20 pm Set small human down for "independent playtime."
3:25 pm Go outside to retrieve disgusting yelping schnauzer with vomit-crusted beard. Schnauzer excitedly grabs toy and runs off signaling that he wants to play. I am not amused. Get hold of schnauzer and carry him inside for beard bath. Small human is wailing again.
3:30 pm Set schnauzer with vomit-crusted beard in bathtub. He jumps out. Grab him, put him back in tub and commence beard bath. Small human's wails become louder.
3:35 pm Quickly finish beard bath. Probably missed some crusty vomit, but I'm over it. Vow not to let disgusting schnauzer nuzzle me or small human. Head back to tend to wailing small human who by the sound of it is nearing hysteria. As I enter room, he stops wailing and smiles gleefully. His face is covered in snot and drool, which is dripping onto the floor. I find a cloth and wipe it off.
3:45 pm Finally sit down to relax for a minute. Just one.
3:46 pm Hear tell-tale sound coming from small human. He's crapped himself - again. Turn to disgusting ill-behaved schnauzer and see that he is licking himself. Reinforce no-nuzzling vow. Wonder why I have chosen to share my living quarters with these foul creatures.
Hours later... Sit in bathtub cleansing myself of the many particles of multiple bodily fluids that have accumulated on my body throughout the day and fantasize about a distant time when I dealt only with my own fluids.